“Drink this, it’ll calm your nerves.”
Folks, we are back in business! AHS has returned with a vicious bang and we fans are more than popcorn ready to see how the story wraps up in these last few episodes of the season!
We open with a delicious little scene between Fiona and Marie Laveau. Fiona offers her an olive branch in the form of alcoholic tea and Marie accepts gratefully, though she feels weak for trusting Fiona. They appear to be becoming friends! Oh yes. Already we know this is gonna get good!
Then the creepiest thing this season so far happened – a freaky shadow monster turns into a giant ashen face with red eyes singing “wake up, your master calls!” Needless to say, Laveau wakes up…
He scarily explains that he wants what’s coming to him and that Marie needs to pay the price she “agreed to pay so long ago”. Oh dear. Is this the devil? Did crazy ole Marie Laveau sell her soul to the devil? Genius. Devil dude also snorts coke and has an amazing hat; creepy laugh, but an amazing hat.
Creepy laugh fades to black and BAM we are in the midst of a flashback or a flash-forward or maybe a flash-sideways, it’s a tad unclear! The dingy hospital is front and centre again as Marie follows the sound of babies crying all the way to a nursery. After voodooing the baby nurse to unlock the door, she grabs one of the infants and legs it outta there! The police rock up demanding that she return the kid but she throws her head back in protest and badass hilarity ensues.
Yeah she told a baby to “shut up”, and she killed a few policemen with her tongue… But she sold her soul to the devil y’all so it’s all good.
Back at school, Marie, Fiona and Delia are enjoying a lil catch up sesh when Marie lets slip that she’d employed Hank to kill the coven.
Fiona is so mad about this! So mad! She bitch slaps Delia for bringing a “viper” into the house, that’s how mad she is! Marie comforts Delia (awwww) by exclaiming that it’s all water under the bridge now (lol tell that to the 564738927492 dead peeps), and Fiona announces that they need to focus on finding the witch-hunter hive.
Now we’ve got an ancient order of bitches versus an ancient order of men… There’s definitely a theme in this show. Also, the men stand zero chance.
Elsewhere, Misty is happily dancing along to her own random Stevie Nicks inspired tune, when Fiona insists on talking about Supremacy. Misty thinks Fiona wants to kill her, Fiona assures her she doesn’t. Not sure what Fiona’s game is at this point but she has a surprise for Misty in store! Dun Dun Duhhhh…
Just prior to this scene we catch Marie switching off the TV to hide the news, which is reporting on a missing baby. Hold up, what? Where is this kid? What did Laveau do with it? Where is Nan and her mind reading skills when you need her? #WorstUseOfPowersEVER
Fiona introducing Stevie Nicks: “She’s a white witch, and try as I may I cannot get her to play in the shadows with me.” Oh Em Gee this is it guys. This is the moment we’ve dreamed about.
MISTY MEETS STEVIE NICKS. My feels cannot cope. It’s like it’s 2004 and we’re watching Oprah buy someone a house.
Then like 10 amazing things happened really fast… Stevie Nicks serenaded Fiona and Misty with an uber chill version of “Rhiannon”. Zoe, Madison and Nan walked in and were like, “wtf oh well this is fun”. Madison got well jell and asked Fiona to procure Eminem. Fiona giggled because Madison’s “not Marshall’s type”. Misty stared at Stevie Nicks way too close to her face while she sang; Misty did the Stevie twirl in front of Stevie Nicks; Misty asked Stevie Nicks for feedback on her Stevie Twirl; Stevie Nicks then gave Misty an impromptu Stevie Twirl lesson and gave her one of her own special scarves to twirl with.
Misty’s mind may have been blown. Still not sure why ‘everyone thinking Misty’s the Supreme’ made Fiona decide to blow her mind with this meeting but I’m super grateful she did. Now we’re all waiting to see if Misty does indeed pass the seven wonders…
Zoe, Madison and Nan skipped up to the bedroom where they began bickering over who could be the next Supreme – evidently Madison and Nan think the only person in the running is themselves. It also turns out Nan’s mind reading has developed into mind control! This is much cooler. Madison has her doubts so Nan nearly forces her to shove a lit cigarette into her unmentionables. (Ouch.) Nan thought of this instruction mighty quickly, which has me worrying about Nan’s mental state.
Madison also reveals that her detour to the afterlife cured her heart murmur. Cue Tumblr cheers! And she wants to compete with Misty in the seven wonders. I dunno, I wouldn’t wanna take on an immortal fruit loop but maybe that’s just me…
Marie and Fiona launch into an elaborate witchy scheme to destroy the Delphi Institute (AKA the witch hunters). Their plan involves taking away all their money using little white mice and a wooden maze.
Fiona did NOT want Delia to help destroy the witch-hunters AT ALL even though Delia had done all the research and found out the witch hunters were disguised as the Delphi Institute, and Hank’s dad was the CEO/leader.
Poor Cordelia gets scalded a fair bit in this episode. Marie watches her run away crying and looks at Fiona with judgey “that’s bad parenting” eyes. Which is hilarious because she just stole a baby and told it to shut up.
Zoe and Nan go to visit Luke (hot neighbour dude) in the hospital. Oh no, this means they’re about to find out he’s dead (killed by crazy religious mom, remember?). Lots of bad mothering in this show I realise. Nan cries, there’s a white balloon involved for symbolism or something, boo hoo.
Back in the #magic room, Fiona has a funny turn and drops like a stone. Marie rushes to help her (awww friends).
While conjuring up a voodoo potion thingy to make Fiona feel better, Marie reveals the price she has to pay every year for her immortality. She tells Fiona that when she sold her soul to the devil (AKA Papa Legba), she also unwittingly agreed to give him an innocent infant when he appears to her each year. This began when he forced her to give him her own baby.
Fiona seemed not at all put off by this and basically begged Marie for a meeting with him.
I’m not sure what was more visually chuckle-worthy; a 60 second pan shot of a sombre yet awesome jazz funeral that had Madison and Misty gnawing on chicken skewers at the back, bitchin’ about witch shit… Or that fact that madison pulled this off:
Only Madison could have done this, not even Fiona thought getting rid of misty could be as easy as knocking her out and shoving her in an empty casket. I LOL’d, but Madison Stevie-Twirlin’ her way out of the cemetery felt more like blasphemy to me then several scenes earlier when she likened herself to the Messiah.
Cannot wait to see these two face off again when Misty climbs her way outta the ground. (‘Cause we all know she will…) Classic.
Nan and Zoe head to Patti LuPone’s house so they can work out where Luke’s body is and bring him back to life. But OH SNAP Patti cremated him. So he’s proper dead. This displeases Nan, immensely. In fact, she goes a little cray and forces Patti to drink a gallon of bleach. Payback’s a bitch, Patti!
Meanwhile, Zoe kinda flailed about while Nan had her pinned to a wall. Zoe’s kinda seeming like the worst witch in the world right now. Maybe the writers are doing that on purpose because she’s really going to be the Supreme… But I hope not because that’d just be predictable.
Then we flipped to one of the best scenes ever. Having reclused to the trusty ol’ greenhouse, Delia was attempting to brew some kind of plant potion but was feeling mighty distracted by Myrtle’s hilariously *spooooky* theremin playing.
Delia then has an existential crisis, admitting that she feels useless and that her mother’s probs right to tell her to leave. Sympathy from Myrtle may have been expected but that’s not what she got.
Myrtle: “Maybe a job as a hostess on a cruise ship? You’ve got lovely personality and you’re always well-groomed!”
Delia: *tears* “Myrtle are you trying to push me over the edge?”
Love it. Myrtle telling Delia to get over herself and accept the fact she’s about as useful as a bag of shit, is fabulous.
Delia’s overall response is to smash up a lot of plants.
Upstairs, Fiona decides to sneakily lure the devil into her bedroom with some lines of coke. As you do. And it totally works! Amen for coke, AMIRITE? Just kidding, drugs are gross. Obvs.
Fiona offers to sell her soul for the small price of immortality but OH SNAP… She has no soul, people!
At first Fiona was fairly bummed.
Then she had a little chat with her ghost boyfriend and realised there’s actually no need to bother working out who the next Supreme is… She has no soul, she can just kill them all. Phew!
Nan and Zoe are having a cosy little chat in the bedroom about how Nan will be such a nice Supreme, when Nan hears a baby crying somewhere nearby.
Just when you think things couldn’t get ny more hilarious or random… Fiona tells Marie they might not have to kill the baby after all… Instead, they can “kill two birds with one stone”. Cut to the pair of them drowning Nan in a bathtub. LOL.
The fact they thought killing Nan would be just as good as killing a baby is so absurd in itself that the sight of two acting legends shoving the head of a fully grown woman under about 12 inches of water actually seemed believable (though hilarious).
Of course, Papa Legba was not having any of it.
Even better though, the devil himself is so tickled by their pure sass that he agrees to take Nan to voodoo hell, even though she’s not exactly innocent ’cause she killed the neighbour but hey ho “the bitch had it coming”. Nan seems okay with being taken to voodoo hell because “anywhere’s better than here” and apparently voodoo hell has treats that include all the fashions. No more pilgrim dresses for you, Nan!
Can I also just say, when the devil looks at you and your new bestie and says, “you two together are big trouble,” you’re defo onto a winner! Slow clap for Jessica Lange and Angela Bassett, please! They’ve made us love and root for two soulless witches. Acting awards please stand up, please stand up! (The whole Eminem reference? Nobody? Damn.)
Then of course Stevie Nicks sings Fiona into a teary, happy lull before bed. She’s just nice like that is ole Stevie.
Witch Weekly: Everyone was just on fire this week! The award should probably go to Nan out of respect for her hilarious death and for her epic revenge killing of Patti LuPone. Also the fact that she had powers of mind reading and mind control yet still managed to get drowned in 12 inches of water by a cancer patient and a 300 year old woman. Oh Nan…
Sweet dreams, all!