The bitch is back!
Delphine’s on the prowl in the first scene of last night’s episode. We open in 1830s New Orleans where Delphine has just moved from France with her family. She laments the lack of intelligence in her slaves and daughters, wishing she could find something stimulating to do. #WeKnowWhatHappensNext
So basically she chops off a chicken’s head ’cause the “kitchen staff” haven’t arrived yet and nobody else wants to do it… She goes all gooey-eyed at the sight of the spurting blood… Then later, when she finds an injured young man, one of her new slaves, she knocks him out and drags him (by herself?) into the attic where she slices him open and grins. #EverybodyNeedsAhobby
Back in the present, it’s funeral time! And these gals sure are putting the “fun” back into the you-know-what, as they bury poor old Nan… “Who fell in the tub.” LOL. Fiona strikes again. Oh if only Misty Day were here to bring the girl back to life, we hear you cry, but thank goodness she’s not because I think we established last week that Nan’s much happier hunting down designer clothing in voodoo hell.
Delia blames herself for Nan’s death and wants to make sure no more of her girls die any time soon. Too bad Delia is completely useless… Love you Dels!
And just when you think this couldn’t GET any more “fun”, Queenie rocks up with Delphine on a leash. Amazing.
Personally, I feel like her number one complaint HAS to be that she’s the only one without a hat.
I mean, even Laveau is in a turban…
Yeah… So now we know Queenie defo survived the shooting and was not left for dead by Marie Laveau, Marie Laveau actually thought she had died. Oh and then Queenie decided to find and reattach Delphine’s head. Still not sure why. Meanwhile, poor ole Misty is probably underground right now wishing she was attending this funeral in a fabulous hat… Or wishing she’d brought her iPod…
Two old dudes in suits said some stuff. It was boring.
Cue batshit crazy montage of Delphine silently terrorising people as the school maid. (Of course they reinstated her, she was such a great maid before the decapitation…) Some highlights:
Delphine does NOT approve of undead threesomes.
She also does NOT like flushing other people’s crap and if you make her do this, she will adopt The Help‘s attitude towards vengeance.
She also does NOT intend to help raise Laveau’s stolen child. And she definitely intends to take out all her excess rage on the unfortunate gardener. Yeah, she’s officially just a psychopath. Despite having cried at civil rights anthems.
In the bathroom, Kyle watches Zoe get her magic on so that she can find out what happened to Nan. SHOCKER, Nan was killed by Fiona and Marie Laveau.
Zoe’s not too shocked by this at all, though she is surprisingly shocked to hear that Madison doesn’t care…
Madison: “Have you met me?”
It turns out Madison just wants some *cough* alone time *cough* with Kyle. And she ain’t afraid to ask for it. Well, to ask Zoe that is. Kyle ain’t so keen though…
So, Kyle speaks pretty well now! Will he ever tell Zoe about his uber gross pedo-mum? Hope so. #TotesEmosh
Madison then goes all Carrie and smashes up the room a little with her telekinetic mind powers, whacking Zoe over the head with a lampshade. Myrtle enters to see what all the commotion is but only in time to hear Madison declare herself the next Supreme and promise everyone crotchless panties. Vote for Madison everyone! Or don’t… please don’t.
Oh man, the jazz music is at it again… This can only mean that my least fave couple on TV is at it again… The Axeman now wants Fiona to come live with him – creepy farms are a suitable romantic getaway locations, right? Fiona likes to roll up her stockings super slow, Axeman likes to play jazz as she does so. That’s just how they roll. (TERRIBLE PUN ALERT) So Fiona’s all, “Yes I’ll be your farm wife (LOLz) as long as you do something for me first.” This can only end well.
Okay, so back in the attic, Delphine has pretty much killed the unfortunate gardener and is covered in his blood when she spots Spalding sat in his rocking chair being his seedy self. She makes some vague attempt to explain the murdered gardener but he stops her… You don’t explain ART, you admire it! Of course! Shame he’s dead or these two probs would have given Axeman/Fiona a run for their money.
Okay, so Queenie chucking all of Misty’s clothes out of her wardrobe while uttering the phrase, “dirty hippy can kiss my ass,” might be my fave quote this episode. Misty, Misty, Misty…
Delia tries to apologies to Queenie for not knowing that her husband was plotting to kill them all, but fails miserably. Queenie even tells her to take “a long ass vacation” and let somebody else run the coven… I am now really hoping Delia turns out to be the next Supreme even though it looks like Queenie’s developed a new power – regeneration! Handy!
Cordelia took this VERY much to heart and decided the only way to be of use again is to get back “the sight”. Answer to all problems? Blind self with filthy pliers. Obvs.
That’s right. She sacrificed her eyeballs for the sake of the coven. Not only that, but she actually stabbed them out herself – that takes guts, man. And who’da thought we’d be so happy to get our fave character back – blindy mcgee, the spiller of coffee and eternal searcher of own bed. She’s just so much cooler than regular Cordelia, but either way who doesn’t love an underdog? and a random? a random underdog?
I’ll tell you who doesn’t, Fiona, that’s who. She definitely is not happy that Delia just blinded herself. It definitely does not seem worth it to Fiona.
Myrtle stands her ground in this scene. She explains to Fiona that Delia is a hero for doing what she just did, and Fiona should be afraid now because Delia will soon discover all her secrets. Fiona cries a lot and then realises Myrtle might be right, so slithers down the stairs to get a drink. She’s very ssssslithery tonight is old Fiona. Also, what’s with all the crying just because your child is in pain, Fi-Fi? We know you don’t have a soul! Does not having a soul actually mean anything? If you still feel empathy and emotions without a soul then I struggle to see the point. I guess we’ll get further explanation soon enough…
Big claps for the person who thought up this next scene: Delphine presents Spalding with a new doll he wanted in exchange for the secret to how to kill Laveau. The doll cost Delphine half the school’s silver, and all Spalding gives her in return is some Benadryl posing as witchcraft. That saucy Spalding…
Myrtle (after a nice long speech about her own bitterly ended love affair with Diane Von Furstenberg’s fiancé… ha!) convinces Zoe to take Kyle away from the coven and live with him happily ever after, in Epcot.
Then there was a scene to end all scenes that I’m just gonna call, “Listen up, White Devil.” Because Angela Bassett is amazing and Marie Laveau just puts everything best.
So the “negotiations” ensue but things are not looking too rosy for the suits.
Then Fiona slams them all to hell and back with the phrase, “Here’s my other offer… [coy smile] You can all just die.”
BOOM. The waiter is actually the Axeman and he whips out his axe to slash at the suits. It doesn’t take long for them all to die.
Except for the CEO, he nips off to make himself some tea. He also spits at Fiona and calls her a Witch Bitch. Well, that is not how you prevent said witch from killing you…
Then the following happened and my heart exploded with joy watching Marie Laveau’s reaction shots:
I can’t even. What is there not to love about this show right here?!
So just after Marie and Fiona toast to their everlasting friendship, Delphine tries to kill Marie with a mixture of benadryl and stab wounds to the chest.
Best product placement ever, BTW.
Dephine fails on both accounts. Marie laughs on both accounts. Then Marie chases Delphine down the stairs with the same knife, cackling until Spalding thumps her over the head with his doll, knocking her unconscious. Oh dear!
After all that, Spalding only wanted Marie out of his hair (cue sassy spalding hair flip) so he could steal her stolen baby and raise it as his own.
Once again, sure, that’ll absolutely end well… He also tells Delphine to bury Marie so she can’t dig her way out…
Anddd we made it to the final scene of the episode! It’s happy, folks! I mean really, really happy! Zoe convinces Kyle to come on the bus to Epcot and they RUN to catch it on time. Smiles! It’s super sweet and awesome and you feel like they might finally be free of evil and coven-y things, so obviously they are not and will be back soon. Oh man! *sadface*
Witch Weekly: The prestigious title can only go to the one and only MARIE LAVEAU this week! The lady’s retorts, responses, facial expressions, one-liners, wild turbans and filthy laugh can only culminate in classic fabulousness for me. Tonight, she totally killed it. (And actually didn’t kill anyone else for once!)