We just watched the second-to-last episode of AHS: Coven! Devastation! I can’t believe next week is the finale… What will we do on a Wednesday night once it’s over? What on earth did we do before it began? These might be the scariest questions of all.
Okay so Fiona means business this week. The awful truth is that she’s tired and just wants to know who the hell the next Supreme is, so she tells Queenie the whole coven must perform the seven wonders soon… OR DIE TRYING. Yes please. Let’s do this.
TELEKINESIS: moving objects without touching them.
CONCILIUM: mind control.
VITALIN VITALIS: “the balancing of scales between one life force and another”.
DESCENSUM: “a perilous descent into the nether worlds of afterlife”.
PYROKINESIS: ability to create and control fire.
Reading over these it’s fairly easy to see why the girls should actually probably fear Fiona after all… At this stage all the girls seem to have at least one of the seven wonders down, but nobody has actually displayed all seven just yet!
Upstairs, poor blind Cordelia is chasing Madison around trying to find out whatever happened to Misty Day.
Madison teleports (new power!) but Delia tells her not to read too much into it, witches can hold several powers without being the Supreme. Madison then lets Delia touch her but seems to employ concilium so that Delia fails to experience “the sight” she had last time she was blind. Bad day for Delia, bless her cotton socks.
Queenie hunts around in the Greenhouse, following the sound of Marie Laveau’s vengeful thought process. She can’t seem to find her (Delphine must have buried her good) so decides to get all witchy instead. She calls Papa Legba to find out where Marie went and winds up visiting her own personal hell. DESCENSUM ALERT. Turns out Queenie’s hell is working endlessly in Chubbie’s chicken shop.
Over hot chocolate, Queenie and Papa Legba then discuss Marie and Delphine. He reveals that Delphine chopped up Marie and hid her all over New Orleans; that she cannot die so long as Marie lives, and that Marie cannot die because she struck a deal with him. Queenie reminds him that while she’s chopped up, Marie cannot keep up her end of the deal so he could kill her. “You are one crafty witch.” Oh Queenie… Yes you are!
We then flick over to Delphine looking mighty modern, giving tours of her old torture mansion by way of telling anyone who’ll listen that Madame Delphine LaLaurie was a misunderstood yet fine upstanding citizen! Lol. Queenie drops by in a last ditch attempt to save old Delphine’s soul. But it’s too late, the bitch has resigned herself to being a bitch, and she is not sorry about that one bit.
In a couple of flashbacks we see Delphine going on one of the tours, hissing at the inaccuracies surrounding her legend.
She also felt the need to wear sunnies and a headscarf just in case someone recognised her from her hanging portrait even though she’s thought to have been dead for well over 100 years. Classic Delphine.
Ultimately Queenie stabs her in the heart and she bleeds to death on a makeshift wooden throne, in her torture attic, on top of the bleeding previous tour guide Delphine had stashed up there earlier. It’s a somewhat fitting death for a woman who reviled redemption (let’s hope it sticks).
Meanwhile, Fiona is getting her portrait painted. As you do. She gets a nosebleed and suddenly feels quite sentimental. Retreating to her bedroom she bestows Cordelia with her own mother’s most precious heirloom (a necklace) and says goodbye. She thinks she’ll be dead within the next two weeks. Nawww it seems like Fiona really is being sweet this time… Oh wait, she’s totally not!
Delia envisions Fiona’s future when Fiona touches her neck to fasten the necklace. She sees all the coven girls dead in various brutal ways, and finally sees herself, shot in the head. In the vision, Fiona gleefully snatches the necklace back from Delia’s dead body and skips out the door. Daymn. She really has no soul….
Delia decides to pay the Axeman a visit. She tells him what she saw and also that she Fiona will ditch him in the future; loving Fiona is a one-way ticket to depression, in other words. Axeman takes some convincing but when Delia shows him a plane ticket Fiona’s already bought for herself, he knows she’s right. Fiona’s a stone cold bitch.
Adorableness alert, as Delia begs the cosmos for some hint about where Misty might be. Eventually she touches one of Stevie’s scarves, and hears Misty singing herself to sleep in the coffin (awwwwwww).
Delia’s found her! So she takes Queenie to the graveyard and has Queenie telekinesis the shit outta that coffin. Misty is totes dead when they open it but Queenie is able to VITALIN VITALIS her back to life, thank goodness.
In the greenhouse, Myrtle and Madison have a little catch up and Madison learns that Misty has been found. Just then, Zoe and Kyle rock up. Myrtle is gutted. Zoe apparently discovered she could VITALIN VITALIS people back to life while she was in Florida, so figured she must be the next Supreme and didn’t want to shirk her responsibilities.
BOOM. Misty beats the shit out of Madison. Right there in the school. “Come on, get up, Hollywood,” Misty quips just before she literally kicks Madison’s ass all the way across the room. BEST MOMENT EVER. I will always love Misty day.
Cue the Axeman, all bloody and angry, wielding his axe before the whole damn coven. Rookie error… “Wow did you walk into the wrong house.” They all raise a lazy hand and throw him into a wall.
He’s covered in blood but… SHOCK and AWE… It’s not his blood, it’s Fiona’s.
Axman confronted Fiona about her plans to ditch him and she laughed it off, revealing that she probably never really loved him, she was just bored and sick of dying. “I guess I loved you, though I don’t really know anything about love… If I’m honest.” She starts to launch into another warbling tale about her childhood when… SMACK. He sloshes that axe right into her neck. Several swipes later and it looks as though she’s dead.
“Where’s the body?”
“In the swamps, he fed her to the alligators.”
“Well that’s it then, even I can’t bring somebody back once they’re gator shit.”
Queenie and Madison reckon they should kill the axeman because he’s a “psycho mass-murderer”, though as Myrtle reminds them, “Is there anybody here of whom that cannot be said?” Case in point. All the girls descend on Axeman, stabbing over and over again. Myrtle cradles a tearful Cordelia in the background.
Damn right they don’t.
The second-to-last scene of the night is an interesting one; we get a glimpse into Delphine’s hell… She’s trapped in her own torture attic, forced to watch her own daughters be tortured by Marie Laveau for all eternity. Marie is not happy about this, she doesn’t like torturing people who’ve done nothing to harm her but that’s what you get when you sell your soul to the devil… Oh dear… Papa Legba looks on with glee. “No-one gets away with sin. Eventually, everybody pays. Everybody suffers.”
WELL THERE WE HAVE IT! The second to last episode of the season, and the show’s acting trifecta (Bassett, Lange and Bates) has been killed off. WHAT?!?! This show is completely nuts. As if we didn’t already know that…
WITCH WEEKLY: I can’t even do this. They all win. Give them all the awards. Just hand them over. Every single one. *sobs*
Who will be the next Supreme though? Place your bets now or forever hold your peace! I soooooo want it to be Delia, she just deserves the power because you know she’d do right by it. Then again wouldn’t it be hilarious if Delia read her vision wrong, it’s actually Myrtle who kills everybody and then becomes Supreme. Kooky old Myrtle. That’d be one for the books! Then again, if Myrtle wasn’t second in command I think she’d have an identity crisis… DELIA FTW
Sweet dreams til next week!